Archive for: June 2006

Everybody’s favourite moving target, Osama bin Hidin’, hacked up his latest hairball and boy, was it a doozy. I don’t know whether to file this in the humour section or not.

In the newly released audio tape, the world’s most well known compulsory spelunker fawningly praised the Baghdad Beheader, the Zarkster, calling him everything from “one of our greatest knights and princes,” to “a symbol for our great Islamic nations,” to “an absolutely fabulous chap with a magnificent little bum.”

His burblings continue with the tired old threat to Western nations that “We will continue to fight you and your allies everywhere, in Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and Sudan to run down your resources and kill your men until you return defeated to your nation,” etc, etc, bibbity, bobbity, bullshit.

Dear Binky:

On behalf of the loyal Canadian soldiers of Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second (by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom, Canada and Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith), serving in Afghanistan, please allow me to extend to you this most sincere and heartfelt invitation:

Having heard of your earnest desire to make our acquaintance, we feel obligated, as servants of a tolerant and accommodating nation (a reputation which we humbly submit is well earned on our part), to assist you in this endeavour in any and all ways at our disposal.

As you are no doubt aware, we have been in Afghanistan for some time now and, we give you our word on this, we have been eagerly looking forward to making your acquaintance as well but, sadly (and we must confess to great embarrassment on our part over this unpardonable oversight, which we are certain is no fault of yours), we seem to have lost your address. Do forgive us. But we are certain that such a benevolent fellow as yourself can easily bear in mind how very busy we have been and excuse such a minor oversight.

Please inform us as to your whereabouts (this can be done with little trouble on your part, via such simple means as a note passed to any Coalition soldier that you may happen to bump into) and we give you our word as soldiers that we will arrange the introduction that you desire with all haste.

No, no need for you to come to us; we understand how extremely busy you must be and the dreadful constraints which that must place upon your valuable time. Just sit back, relax, enjoy the stalactites (or stalagmites, if that be your preference), and we will gladly take care of all the bothersome little logistic details of promptly arriving (we promise not to be tardy) to introduce ourselves in a proper manner before blowing your sorry arse to confetti.

We await your response with great eagerness and anticipation.

Sincerely,

• 1st Battalion Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry
• 2nd Battalion Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry
• 1 Combat Engineer Regiment
• 1 Royal Canadian Horse Artillery
• 12 Regiment Blinde du Canada
• 408 Tactical Helicopter Squadron

PS – No need to supply refreshments. Time and distance permitting, we will bring coffee and timbits. We promise.

Okay, I know some people are going to think that this is corny, but I don’t give a damn. Tim Hortons has finally opened up shop in Kandahar and our men and women on the ground are finally getting to enjoy a little taste of home. Yes, it was Boston creams and double-doubles at the double on Thursday. Maple dips, too.

Officials said that Thursday’s opening a “soft-opening” ahead of a formal ribbon-cutting dog and pony show set for Saturday, Canada Day. Previously, everybody said that the outlet wouldn’t open until then but I guess when a few hundred heavily armed Canucks want some Timbits, you give ’em to them.

“Big deal,” some might say; “it’s just a doughnut shop.”

No, it isn’t. When you’re thousands of miles away from your hearth and home, in a hostile land replete with bad guys who are trying to kill you, each and every little piece of home that you can lay your hands on is worth its weight in Klondike gold. The Yanks already had a Burger King, Subway and Pizza Hut, but it just isn’t the same.

None of these really say “Canada” the way that Timmy’s does though, do they? And let’s face it, when you miss home, it’s the littlest things that gnaw away at you the most. Mom’s cooking, your favourite chair, your dog, your other half’s annoying habits, your bone-headed brother in law’s dumbass jokes… the list goes on and on. I could babble on about this until the Leafs win the Cup, but it’s probably better to let our soldiers speak to it themselves:

“I am so happy; I’ve been waiting five months for this place to get here. Now it is finally here. I’m ecstatic!” – Pte. Janice Magrath of Edmonton

“This is good for morale. It’s a bit of home, just having a bit of Canada here. It’s incredible.” – Warrant Officer Mark Pickford, 1PPCLI

“It is a really nice change of routine. It is something to look forward to when you come back in from the forward operating bases. They might need a drive-through though, eh?” – Master Cpl. Mike Schmidt

PARENTS OF CHILDREN IN THE TORONTO AREA: BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS MAN

Although Toronto Police have, for some inexplicable reason, chosen not to make this information public, it is being provided here because we believe that it is our duty as Canadian citizens to alert parents to the danger that this man poses to children in the area. Dale Oswald’s name appears on the intake sheet of the Keele Correctional Centre, an open-door, come-and-go halfway house in the Junction area of the city, just south of Dundas.

• DALE OSWALD
• white male
• 33 years old
• 6’7″ tall, 350 lbs

[The following text was taken directly from the website of the Kingston Police who, unlike TO, had the decency to alert local residents when Oswald was released there in February, 2006.]

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

In the interest of community safety, the Kingston Police, and Chief W. Closs under authority of the Police Services Act of Ontario, is disclosing the following information regarding 33 year old Dale OSWALD.

OSWALD is described as 6’ 7”, 350 lbs, Caucasian.

The above subject has completed his Provincial sentence and will be released to 508 Portsmouth Ave, Portsmouth Community Correctional Centre where he will be supervised by Corrections staff under a 10 year Long -Term Supervision Order.

OSWALD who is a self admitted Pedophile, particularly targets young boys and has also been diagnosed with a personality disorder. OSWALD suffers from bi-polar, anti-social and schizophrenic disorders that are further compounded by alcohol and substance abuse and a mild intellectual impairment. OSWALD is on conditions as a result of convictions from criminal trials in the Toronto Ont. area in 2004. These conditions stipulate OSWALD is not to be in or near any area where children under the age 14 years congregate, such as in schools, playgrounds, swimming pools, etc. OSWALD has a criminal record for sex related offences dating back to 1993. Contained in OSWALD’s record are numerous convictions for failing to abide by conditions of bail release, for attending known places where children congregate, and several convictions related to sex and violence.

All right, everybody, calm down already. I’ve been hearing way too much uninformed opinion from way too many directions lately, which is, of course, gettin’ on my nerves. What’s weird this time, though, is that everybody seems to have come down with the same case of the stupids.

A recent story about how the Canadian military has handed out about 300,000 publicly paid prophylactics in each of the last two years has been making the rounds and now, all of a sudden, everybody seems to think that our boys are running willy-nilly shagging everything that moves. Ridiculous.

The story goes on to point out that whenever soldiers are deployed someplace where there might be some shooting going on, there is a spike in demand for the li’l rascal wrappers.

Well, guess what? The most common use for a pecker pup tent has nothing to do with anybody’s naughty bits. Most of them end up over the muzzles of rifles to keep out dust, grit and whatnot other crap. If things get hairy all of a sudden, you don’t need to waste time removing the little Frenchie from the end of the barrel, you just fire right through it.

But I guess such mundane uses don’t make for very good stories, do they?

We’ve been enduring quite a bit of finger wagging lately, mostly from the usual suspects, admonishing us not to criticize immigration or refugee policies because all of the accused terrorists busted in the GTA last weekend were “home grown.” I’d really like to know what these people’s definition of “home grown” is.

From what I’ve been able to gather on the adult suspects so far (we aren’t allowed to know anything about any of the little would-be murderers under the age of 18 that were busted), we have one from Egypt, two from Pakistan, two from Somalia and one Saudi. I haven’t found anything conclusive that says any of them were born here, although there is a strong suggestion that Fahim Ahmad may have been but I haven’t been able to confirm it yet.

Doesn’t sound too damned home grown to me.

Canada may have been built by immigrants, but it sure as hell wasn’t built by anyone like this bunch. Sooner of later, we’re all going to have to get it through our heads that there are some people that just aren’t good enough to be let into this country and when we find them here, we need to get rid of them.

Well, that’s it. I think I’ll sit back now and see how long it’ll take for someone to come along and play the race card…

In the aftermath of the arrests of the would-be terrorists (one of whom dreamed of beheading the PM) in the GTA, I have noticed something rather unexpected happening in the Canadian media. Yes, you can still find the occasional writer still trying to take the touchy-feely tolerance angle, but many have gotten it through their heads that we really are at war and we’re going to have to make some hard decisions if we expect to win and save our way of life.

Writers such as Paul Jackson in Calgary remind us that we are, in fact, in for the long haul whether we want to be or not. Earl McRae in Ottawa puts it into even more stark relief with the words of an Afghan man living in that city who still fears for the lives of himself and his family, even from the supposed safety of Canada.

Over at the Centre Of The Universe, bastion of political correctitude, Lorrie Goldsetin is becoming downright jittery, and Joe Warmington has been banging the drum for days, with column after column devoted to the issue.

While it’s always nice to see the MSM pulling their heads out of their collective derrieres, it is still sad that it took something so dangerously close to home to get them to quit bashing away at the snoozebar on the alarm clock of common sense and see where we all are.

Oh, well; better late than never, I suppose.